Life, recently

Often in the midst of
sadness, of sorrow,
of pain
I long to be held
while I cry myself out
strong arms around me
low voice murmuring
this too shall pass,
for this, too, shall pass
the tears that come
when you're not here
but you're gone forever now
so how can they end?

how can I miss someone I barely knew?
someone I barely liked?
and yet I do.
I think about you often,
wonder what your life was like,
in between the tears for
grandmother, grandfather,
uncle and aunt
a few fall for you
how does your family feel?
do they miss you terribly?
were you ultimately just shy
or were you proud,
arrogant like I thought?
who were you
deep down inside
and how does your brother feel?
Is he sad, like me,
or was there tension between you?
Did you hurt him beyond
the bounds of normal siblinghood
or was there a bond of friendship there?
who were you?
how is he?

my eyes are heavy with sadness
my body weak with it
tears, yes,
but also sleep
weary from carrying the sorrow of your death
unsure how to release the pain
share the burden of my grief
a known, a hidden sorrow
who will listen to my tears
when I can't tell fully for whom they fall?
softer than rain
still they fall
for a sort of friendship
for family
for the smiles that won't be there anymore
the voice that will never laugh again
Uncle, grandmother, friend
all gone
a month of sadness
of holding secret one of the true sources of grief
for him, but also for you
for me, but also for them
I cry