Desiring Beauty

I feel like I'm in the middle of a paradox. I desire rest, but only achieve a kind of cessation of activity. In the absence of activities, I feel bored - emotionally, mentally, physically bored - but I still desire rest.

I've been doing some soul-searching, trying to discover something inside me that would help make sense of the frustrations and ennui and unease that have come upon me in the past month, and I think this is part of it: I love beauty. I love making beautiful things. But I never seem to be able to make them the way I desire them to be. I desire beauty, but I cannot create it, and so often I just give up, and then wonder why I feel so sad and empty in that part of my heart. I write poems, and bake/cook searching for a perfect combination of flavors, and I used to dance. I used to dance so much, in church, in the middle of the street after dusk, in the rain, transforming my joy and sorrow and energy into expressive movement. I miss it so much. I want to dance again.

I want to make beautiful things, turn the fabric and yarn and everything else I own into things that brighten mine and others' days, that lift the heart, that inspire and comfort. I want to create. I am so sick of being lazy and laying around doing nothing but feeling bored.

I pray that this desire to create would grow, that I would continue to hunger beauty, that it would propel me toward God and others, that it would bless all those I come into contact with.